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Only the good die young

Most of us already know this but these famous lyrics are sung by artist Billy Joel. For some reason, today seemed like a day where I wondered is this one statement was actually true. We all know that every single person on earth will experience death at some point but is it true that only the good people will be the first ones to go? Yesterday afternoon, an amazing person [and member of my church] passed away after fighting cancer for several years. I'm saddened by the thought of what her family must be going through right now. My own mother was older than her. Over the last several months though, she still seemed to have such an enduring spirit. She fought like hell until the very end and still find the courage to smile on her better days.

Why cant all of us be like her? Some of us may answer this question with "yes" but the sad truth is "no". Alot of us, including myself are too busy taking certain things in our lives for granted. Going back to the song lyrics, it hurts to think how a person's life can suddenly come to an end. Some might say she lived a good life but it certainly wasnt as long as it should have been. Again, why do terrible things happen to good people? Its just not fair!!!

Unfortunately, this may be one question none of us can answer. I wish I could though. It would certainly help me make sense of some things that have happened over the last several months. However, I wonder: should I consider myself a good person? Its clear Ive made some mistakes but have I done everything to make up for them? I hope so.... Of course, Trish and my mother would immediately respond yes to both of these questions but Id rather hear an answer from someone else. Even if its from someone who hardly knows me at all.

interview stuff

So I havent been to livejournal for awhile and I realized that I was still friends with someone that I thought I removed a long time ago. So, if youre still reading my posts my dear one, I am for sure lauging out load. Anyway, Im here today to vent about an interview today, which will hopefully help me reflect on a few things before I have yet another interview tommorrow. My interview with Sarah wasn't too bad since I didnt spend as much time with her as Kaysi. But I feel like I should have said more in certain areas. In terms of the accomplishment question, I'm really sure what I would say except "I think the things Im most proud of are [the skills I have obtained from my past internships and being able to build upon them] like being able to effectively communicate with people and approach people Ive never met. Maybe another would being able to [progressively change my negative habits in terms of working under pressure]? Another would be the leadership skills.

Why did you decide to apply for both positions?
Think of more effective examples to use for questions like (was there ever a time when you were in a difficult situation? How did you resolve it? Think of a time where you had to engage a specific audience. Think of time where you had to deal with a difficult person in a group.
What motivates you?
Question similar what do you see yourself doing in 10 years?
[What experience do you have that would help you in the annual giving side of things?]
1. Delete her email, phone number, facebook page check
2. Use other alternatives to prevent you from seeing her at all (i.e. change work schedule around) check
3. Dont talk to her unless you have to (i.e. at work, if she talks to you).
4. Act like an adult, dont hurt her or treat her the same way she has to you.
5. Remove things that constantly remind you of her.
6. Do things that will help you distress (i.e. read a book, WOEK OUT, watch a funny movie or other show).
7. Hang out with other people or spend sometime by yourself.
8. Dont come over to her apartment anymore if/when she invites you.
9. Dont talk about her AT ALL!!!!!!
10.Dont react negatively!!!!
Geez, what a morning! Things seemed to be going well this morning until Trish got the news about her student teaching next semester and on top of that, something happened among one of Megan's friends this morning too. I knew I couldnt cheer Megan up but I figured I could find some way to do something to make Trish feel better. I danced for her and played some music, I tried to make her laugh, I suggested we put on a funny movie, but nothing else. So, I told her I would leave the apartment so she could have some time to herself but she reacted negatively and assumed I didnt care. I admit I shouldnt have gotten all upset about it afterwards but am I in the wrong here? Why couldnt she just tell me that she didnt want to talk anymore? Honestly, I feel like she is using my issues as a way to walk all over me. I understand she is trying to help me but reacting negatively toward me when I was trying to help is not going to help anything. I just need to breath and calm down, I know I cant react like this when people are depressed and moody but I think the main problem is me wanting to fix people's problems when there is no solution. I just need to take a step back and let people deal with their own issues and focus more on fixing my own.
Oh what a rush! Life throws you in so many directions sometimes, I wish I could get a glance of what my life will be like after I graduate but we all know that wont happen. At this point, I just want to work somewhere small (that I enjoy obviously) and go from there. Mom expects me to go ahead and take that part time job at the Ritz but theres no way Im going to have time for that. Im not only taking more classes next semester AND writing a twenty page paper but theres no way Im quiting my job at the admissions office. I cant tell you how much I enjoy doing that, even if its kind of a drag sometimes. I really mom would let me do my one thing. Maybe talking with her over break cant hurt, I just want her support on certain things. Plus, I need to learn to grow up and do things without having her approval all the time. Its not far to me and it may put an end to somethings that I work so hard to accomplish. I wish life could be more simple though, I dont like the way our economy is right now. Its so difficult to get a job, Im a little jealous that megan got that interview only b/c she has something to work toward. As far as the job thing, Id feel alot better if I knew where things were headed for me. Anyway, (lets move back to the whole mom thing), Im so scared that I will turn into the same person she will. Hopefully, Ill be a better parent when I have kids since I have some experience with them but it doesnt mean I wont have her flaws./ Im not saying that shes totally wrong but I really want to learn from her mistakes and become my own person. Im worried there will be a time when my kids resent me for several of the same reasons I resent her. For her, I guess it goes back to the whole sorority thing, I still cant let that go but I cant fix what happened last year or my mom's opinion about certain things. I can only fic myself (I feel like I should be writing this sentence 15 times so that it will stick in my brain. For starters, Im not quiting my job at the admissions office just for her. Ill do what I feel is best, I just have to keep telling myself not to stress about so much. Things will work out as long as I have faith that they will eventually.

"Actions speak louder than words"

I cant STAND people who cause drama but unfortunatly, somehow after I was born I was made into one of those pathetic people. Megan may not believe this but when certain people get angry or upset with me, I react the same way. I wish there was some switch I could turn off to put an end to this, but sadly things dont work out like that in the real world. My friends constantly tell me to grow up and act like an adult but something inside me wont let me. Every time situations like this happen, I like a child, which is really sad and pathetic. I wish I could end this right now here and now. You know what? Maybe I can. Instead of just hearing what I want to hear, maybe I should just listen to what Trish said earlier (and what my therapist said today) and just change my actions. As she said, I cant change the way I feel, I will always feel angry, depressed, or embarrased by things when they happpen but instead of reacting negatively, I should just do something else to take my mind off of things and use the opportunity to cool down. I cant always assume the worst when certain things happen, I think thats my biggest problem. I know this problem isnt going to automatically go away but things will improve if I finally step up to actially CHANGE THE SITUATION. Time to make a promise to myself for once: take the initiative to actually listen to what peoople are telling you and think about things before you do it. I cant truly tell myself that Ive made progress in therapy until this particular problem of causing drama is put to an end. Then, hopefully the other problems that seem to come up will eventually fix themselves too. If none of this happens, then the life I once had will shatter into a million pieces and for once I wont get a second chance.

the point of no return

After last night, I went to bed and spent most of my time thinking about certain things instead of sleeping. I spent half the night with my eyes opened and wondering if things could change for the better. Somehow, for the last few years, Ive lost faith in that idea b/c Ive constantly tried to change other people and deal with their issues instead of doing that for myself. I cant let go of the mistakes Ive made in the past but what I can do is make up for them now. For some reason, I dont like where things are heading, it feels like Im currently walking on a path that has no destination. I keeping looking behind me, wanting to go back to the times where I felt like myself again. Yet, somehow it keeps getting farther and farther away. What should I do? I guess the only thing to do in this situation would be to keep walking ahead until I find what I am looking for. Change is supposed to be good, but right now maybe I want things to stay the way they are at least for a little bit until I can figure out what I actually want for myself. There is one thing for sure though, I dont want to feel depressed or angry about things anymore. I know I keep finding reasons to but for weeks, Ive tried to look at things from a different perspective. Regardless of what happens, I will keeping doing that and use the resources I gain from therapy. I enjoy going there every week and I will not stop going just becauase mom or anyone else tells me. Its my choice and since its actually helping me, I will go no matter what.

Dec. 7th, 2010

Well, I screwed things up again. Im sick and tired of these endless problems coming up but maybe Im to blame for half of them. I guess when certain things come up, I find other people to blame instead of myself. When Megan told me I was being constantly being negative around her at first, I was furious and felt like she was finding ways to hurt me. And on top of everything else, Victoria said the same thing. I felt horriible afterwards and instead of actually stopping to think about it, I walked away. Unfortunatly, I didnt realize what they might be saying was actually true. I went to class afterwards feeling sorry for myself, knowing this situation had to be resolved somehow. I admit I overreacted a little bit, I believed many things that werent true. My friends weren't trying to hurt me, they were trying to help me. I don't like how Megan approaches me with these things, but unfortunatly its who she is and I just have to accept it. For years, I felt like she has been so hard on me about the dumbiest things but what I should have realized earlier was it is her way of looking out for me. As far as Victoria is concerned, maybe I do get jealous when the two of them are actually getting along. Its hard to admit but maybe in some aspects, its true. I enjoy seeing them argue b/c it makes me feel more inferioir than her. None of this is right though. Maybe I just cant handle it the way I should. I shouldnt feel threatened by her, she's friends with Megan too and no matter what I do, it may never change. I really wish I didnt care so much, but hopefully that will change overtime if I put in the effort to actually fix it. Megan and I have known each other alot longer than Victoria so why should I be so upset by their relationship? I honestly wish I knew why I've changed so much over the years, it would sure make things easier if I did know. Back then, I never got really upset about things like this so what the hell brought this on? Does it have something to do with mom? Is it the sorority and the regret of not dropping it after I had so many chances to? I guess its something I will have to think about for awhile. Maybe taking an antidepressant would help but I dont know. At this point, I just want to get better so that I will hurting the people (who actually care about me) to be affected. I shouldnt have to change who I am for Megan, trish, victoria, or mom but unfortunatly, I dont like where all this is headed. I honestly want things to go back to normal, I dont want to be the overdramatic person anymore or someone who should constantly be the center of attention. Some days, I dont even feel like myself anymore, I force myself to change for some people (i.e. mom, sorority) when I shouldnt have to. For years, Ive forced myself to become someone else but since I cant be that idle person, it brings me down. Maybe that's why Ive been so depressed and irritable lately. It doesnt explain why Ive become so emotional about things but maybe its something that hasnt come out until now. Ive noticed alot of people in my family get overly upset about things, especially mom. This year especially, Ive blown things way out of proportion. I got extremely angry about certain things that shouldnt have bothered me, I felt like my friendship was threatened more times when it wasn't. I dont want to be this kind of person anymore. I just want to be the same old friendly and caring person I was during freshman year. The drama that Ive caused for myself needs to end now. For now, I need to learn how to be myself again and not care what everyone thinks.

Dec. 4th, 2010

Why is it that days that go really well turn out horribly by the end??? Im sick and tired of ending my nights in a horrible mood. Geez, its fuckin pissing my off!!!!! What the hell did i ever to her? Its not my fall fault that she has five exams this semester, and has a ton of work to do these next few weeks? Why the hell should I be treated like shit for it???? I really this problem I have of fixing other people's issues would go away. I pay more attention to other people's feelings than my own. Im sick and tired of mom briging my down all the time. I hate that she expects me to feel just as miserable as her. At this point, I dont give a damn about what she feels anymore, her opinion is worthless anyway. Its supposed to help me, not bring me down!!! Part of me is not even looking forward to spending the holidays at home with her b/c I know exactly how things will go. I really hope dad comes down for christmas, seeing him would make my break ten times better. I still have this constant need to please her or just me for who I am but unfortunatly that will never happen no matter how much I try. I cant do it anymore, I should have started this last year by dropping that damn sorority but for some reason I just didnt have the balls to do it. I regret it everyday but I cant change what happened in the past. I can only move forward and start fresh with something new. I know graduating in the spring will be the end of my college life but heres the thing. When one life ends, another begins. Thats what I need to keep telling myself everyday, even when it may be hard to believe. I cant tell you how much I would love to be living in a place like Charleston, Savannah, or even St. Simons woeking in a hotel. I just to do something that I enjoy and go some place where I can meet new people. Staying in Atlanta and living at home will pull me farther and farther away from that. If anything, I would love to just stay in Charlotte or Fort Mill and work there for awhile so I can get used to being on my own. Hopefully, things will be good once I figure all that out. Ill do my best to fake it till I make it.

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I walk in your shoes,
I carry your baggage
if you cant yourself.
I wipe the tears
from your face, and fill
the empty hole in your heart.
I respect your wishes
and do what I an told.
I take your hand and never let go.
I ignore my troubles and focus
more on yours. I fake a smile
and pretend my world is fine.
I do what you ask of me,
but no matter what i do,
its never enough. I still walk
in your pool of disappointment.
You still pity me after all I've done.